By Amie Wohrer. Where my single ladies at? Ok it’s just us now. Let’s be honest. You want to be a wife. I know, I know, according to the rules of modern-day feminism you’re supposed to be a strong woman and being a strong woman means not needing a man, but that’s a lie propagated by Communists posing as hippies back in the 60’s as a means to destroy The United States of America. In short, the backbone and very foundation with which every society is able to stand strong is the nuclear family.
Women are indeed some of the most important and strongest members of said society, but our powers are greatest and most effective when the home is our hub. Women who make their families their career volunteer in our communities, have a presence in schools, are easily accessible to their children, offer a sweet disposition to their husbands who faced the world all day so they didn’t have to, and just make the home a soft haven in general. We send happy productive people out into the world each day. We are the keepers and sowers of tradition and morality. We help create an unshakable grasp of right and wrong in the minds of our children preventing them from making bad decisions. Our daughters will model our behavior and our sons will seek out wives that do.
A woman in the home is an invaluable treasure to the future of humanity. Those Commie hippies from the 60s knew that, so they started convincing women that their value was really measured by the size of the paycheck they earned. That homemaking was a demeaning servitude and promiscuity was power. And soon we saw a sizeable increase in the number of STDs, the divorce rate skyrocketed, juvenile delinquency went up, as did the occurrence of mental health issues (listen to The Rolling Stones’ “Mother’s Little Helper”), and unplanned pregnancies. A Communist utopia. But don’t fret because you, my dear, have the ability to change this. We just have to get you hitched (that’s hillbilly for married). I’ve put together a list of a few things you may be doing wrong. Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone. Without further ado, here are my Five Rules for Wife:
Close your legs and open a cookbook. Seems pretty self-explanatory. Basically, learn how to cook and do the things a homemaker does, and stop sleeping or interacting with every soy boy gamer who likes your scantily-clad Insta posts. It doesn’t take a special guy to like that. In fact, the guys who will help you lead the charge to save humanity by starting a family and fighting the Commies, probably aren’t liking those posts because they have pride and healthy shame. Wanting to have sex doesn’t make you bad, every woman wants that, but save up that energy for the man who will put a ring on it and once the deal is sealed, unleash all that pent up desire. It’s how our grandparents did things and they were married for like, ever, right?
No more slutty social media. I touched on this in my first rule so I’ll be brief. Simply put: No good, well-rounded man wants to marry someone whose pictures their friends have all masturbated to. Moving on…
Stop talking like that. Call this wing joint: 740 653 1444, and listen to the recorded greeting. Stop talking like that if you ever want to be taken seriously or truly loved. ( Also worth mentioning, their wings are the absolute bomb. Have your wings tossed in Donkey and Garlic sauce, extra wet, and order a jar of their blue cheese if you’re ever in the area.)
Stop doing yourself up like that. No crayola hair colors. When I was a teen this was considered punk. That was acceptable. Now it means you think shaving is oppression for women and have surrendered yourself to a future as a cat mom. Stick with hair colors that God does and tattoos should be in places that are easily covered. One characteristic of a good wife is a woman who can pass as June Cleaver when on her husband’s arm, and something else entirely when on her husband’s bed (insert purple devil emoji here). So look up June Cleaver and come as close to that look as possible without looking too much like a cartoon 1950s housewife. Just kidding; Be a 1950s cartoon housewife type, pearls and all. Be a rebel. Embrace femininity.
Reject anything and anyone that looks kindly on modern-day feminism. It can’t be said enough. They’re poisoning your mind so that they can take over the world. Your femininity, refusal to abandon modesty, and adherence to old-fashioned values are a fortress protecting all of us from that dastardly fate. These feminists are miserable. Look at them. They have rejected their innate desires to nurture, procreate, and be submissive for so long that their estrogen production is poor and they look like the hobgoblin infantry of this Marxist army of darkness they fight for. Don’t be like them. Don’t entertain any of their notions. Embrace soft femininity and attractiveness. Look to the June Cleaver.
That’s it. Easy, right? Just reject most or all forms of modernity where the state of womanhood is concerned and you’ll find a good husband. Virtually everything modern-day feminism tells you is the opposite of what is actually true. For example, feminists say they’re happy, but look like walking, talking melancholy. That’s because they’re lying. They aren’t happy. People who are happy typically don’t organize entire movements to convince people of their happiness. Stop listening to them. Listen to me.