In Therapy With Tony Rezko’s Groundskeeper: Orange Man Broke Me

By John Kass

Aug. 24, 2025

Doctor, I’m so screwed. You see the news about the FBI raiding neocon John Bolton’s home? Oh man, I’m so screwed.

The New York Times just reported we’re hemorrhaging millions and millions of Democratic votes to those damn Republicans. And now Politico has come up with lists of  stupid woke words we should ban to just to maintain our authenticity.

Authenticity? What authenticity?

“Among the blacklisted terms: privilege … violence (as in “environmental violence”) … dialoguing … triggering … othering … microaggression … holding space … body shaming … subverting norms … systems of oppression … cultural appropriation … Overton window … existential threat to [the climate, democracy, economy] … radical transparency … stakeholders … the unhoused … food insecurity … housing insecurity … person who immigrated … birthing person … cisgender … deadnaming … heteronormative … patriarchy … LGBTQIA+ … BIPOC … allyship … incarcerated people … involuntary confinement.”

We need charisma like I had. Not a bunch of fools singing “Mama Look at BooBoo” to make the white folks happy.

We need to be real.

We’re about as authentic as J.B. Pritzker bragging that he’s a regular ass kicker. Or Debbie Wasserman Schultz thinking she’s hot in a great jeans ad. Oh we’re just so screwed. Now the New York Times is ridiculing Adam Schiff saying he’s an abuser of power and “guilty of McCarthyite tactics.” Excuse me Jamie Kirchick of the New York Times? Are you f’ning serious dude? McCarthyites?

The whole thing’s coming apart. I’m having these nightmares of being shipwrecked on an island and a cyclops with tiny evil baby hands. It’s why I need therapy, doctor. By the way, nice couch you have here. And my legs and back don’t sweat on this couch. Michelle says I never sweat, but how the hell would she know? Did my brother-in-law tell her?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re on the couch and your legs sweat? And your trousers get wrinkled? I just hate that. I hate wrinkled pants. You might as well wear dockers like those old white hippies women who are always protesting and singing like Pete Seeger.

That’s why I like your office, doc. It’s calming and you were a great help to my mental status, when Old Joe was melting down and they were blaming me and everything was going to hell.

What I like about your office is that it smells nice and you don’t have stupid tchotchkes on your desk, like those steel balls on strings idiots keep on their office desks, those pendulum balls.

I remember when I had balls. Before Michelle and Hillary cut ’em off. I had a great plan. Put use Comey and Brennan to Hillary in there for two terms and then slid Michelle in. But then Hillary had to ruin it all and she lost. Then Kash Patel made vindaloo with what was left.

I had balls of steele once, just like Hillary, ordering the FBI and CIA to ruin anyone who vexed me.

But lately? Meh.

I’m not worried about Bolton. I’m worried about what that new FBI Director Kash Patel was putting out: That bullshit that no one is above the law.

Really?

No one is above the law?

Does that mean me too?

Comey is freaking out. Brennan is freaking out.

Which one will sell me out? Hey, doctor, is that why you had me sketch my own “feelings?”

Listening to me just say those words just now sure sounds like a bitch.

I guess I am a bitch.

I don’t know, I don’t know.

Am I a bitch? Michelle certainly thinks so. She’s been kicking my ass all over. So I drew my damn feelings.

You’re going to bring out a doll next for me to play with?

Remember when I stood and threatened those black brothers who weren’t doing enough for Kamala?

That maybe the straw that finally broke the camel. I think they turned on me then.

Doctor, look. Uh,  I’m not going to say that my life sucked.

It didn’t.

I’m not going to say I hate my life. But I’m in need of mental help now.

People see me on TV, acting all that, laughing, so cool. But that’s the tears of the clown, when there’s no one around.

Yeah.

I went from community organizer preaching hope and kissing Rich Daley’s ass, to becoming a wealthy messiah unicorn protected by Billy Ayers to a guy with four-multimillion dollar mansions.

There’s that mansion in Hawaii, and that one in Martha’s Vineyard and the Kalorama neighborhood near the White House, from which I ran the Joe Biden puppet factory. Joe is such a f’n fool.

Doctor did you really think I’d let Joe run things? Are you insane? Don’t be naïve, Kay. And don’t forget the 6-bedroom 6-bath mansion I’ll always think of as “The House That Tony (Rezko) Built.”

Michelle hates it.  She won’tt visit. And that’s why she’s busting my balls with her ridiculous podcast, what’s it called? Entitled which? Who cares Who listens?

Not me.

Now  all this shade Trump is throwing on me with Tulsi.

It broke me down doctor, dude. Orange Man broke me.

He’s broken all of us, me, Brennan, Comey, everyone, CNN, MSNBC.

What am I gonna do? It’s just a matter of time.

Trump broke Comey like a twig. Now Comey’s coming out as a Swiftie? Is he in some hostage video? What the hell?

Brennan will crack like Queeg with the strawberries. And if Brennan isn’t Queeg, then Comey will crack.

Now he’s a Swiftie.

And Adam Schiff. If there’s anyone like Schiff it’s Richie Rich, the perjurer from ye olde England. He’ll break first.

I think this Russia hoax thing will hassle me for years, doctor. Worse than when my gay fantasies that got out.

I just want to bury it all the way I buried that amateur filmmaker and had him blamed for Benghazi to protect Hillary Anyone remember that guy? No. What about Maria Butina? No one remembers her either. Dust in the wind, like the Armenians.

And now they’re all dumping on my building. The nerve of these people.

That Obama Center is my refuge. No, it’s not a library, but does anybody even read in Chicago anymore?

“It looks like this big piece of rock that just landed here out of nowhere in what used to be a really nice landscape of trees and flowers,” Ken Woodward, a lawyer and father of six who grew up in the area, told the Daily Mail.

“It’s a monstrosity. It’s over budget, it’s taking way too long to finish and it’s going to drive up prices and bring headaches and problems for everyone who lives here. It feels like a washing away of the neighborhood and culture that used to be here.”

In the old days I’d call Brennan and Comey to 86 this guy. Now, I’m on my own, alone with my thoughts and the Cyclops with the evil tiny baby hands is under the bed. But I’ve found some help, a Swedish writer. No not Victor Davis Hanson. Everything he says about me is depressing.

I’m talking the Pär Lagerkvist book “The Dwarf.” I was hoping Peter Dinklage would turn it into a movie. Some might think me evil or amoral, but really I’m a good guy. I’m a unicorn doc. A unicorn.

Don’t you believe in unicorns? I was, once.

Men loved me. Women loved me. They all loved me.

-30-

(Copyright 2025 John Kass)

-30-

About the author: John Kass spent decades as a political writer and news columnist in Chicago working at a major metropolitan newspaper. He is co-host of The Chicago Way podcast. And he just loves his “No Chumbolone” hat, because johnkassnews.com is a “No Chumbolone” Zone where you can always get a cup of common sense.

Merchandise Now Available: If you’re looking for a gift for that hard-to-buy for special someone who has everything, just click on the link to the johnkassnews.com store.

Where else would you find a No Chumbolone cap or a Chicago Way coffee cup?

Because I know this about you: You’re not a Chumbolone.

The post In Therapy With Tony Rezko’s Groundskeeper: Orange Man Broke Me appeared first on John Kass.