How our tech made medieval fairy tales real

I used to play with childish things. Planes, trains, automobiles. Books. Baseballs.

Friends.

But when I went to college, the iPhone came out.

And then I set aside childish things for a book of faces. And it was very bad, actually.

So I struggled. It was my struggle. And I won by losing. Or I lost by winning. It was happening. But nothing ever happened. The eternal yin and yang of postmodern adulthood, no?

Unlock your inner child. It is not within your phone. It is within you.

But I do remember the warnings. And the signs. When I was a child, I was told that I should not drink alcohol. Not as an absolute statement. A child can have a sip of wine, surely. It gladdens the heart, no?

However, I was told something true. If a boy — or a girl — starts drinking and makes a habit of it … then he or she shall never mature. He shall be frozen at the age he becomes addicted to a drug forever.

Step on a crack … break your mother’s back. Don’t smoke crack, kids.

Have you given your child crack to smoke? Or worse? Probably, you have. You just haven’t realized it. This is very bad, actually. iPhones are vectors for horrific evil. Have you looked at the back? There is a bitten apple.

Steve Jobs was a bit of a snake. An Eastern mystic. Do you generally trust Eastern mystics offering you bitten apples?

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Photo by Irfan Khan / Contributor via Getty Images

Are you east or west of Eden right now? You cannot go back into it. This is eternally true until the end of all time.

But has it ever alarmed you that Facebook wanted to make the internet into a “walled garden” — and then the place got overrun by Boomers and became cringe and then everyone yelled at everyone and then everything turned to garbage?

The other day on the internet — did you see it, anon? — the social scientists have documented something that anyone with eyes to see has already seen: The next generation is totally screwed.

This is not the first time. It will probably not be the last.

But it is the first time it has happened exactly like this. Right? Has to be … right?

What’s the saddest thing you’ve ever seen, friend? For me, it’s a family of fat people out at dinner. None of them looking at each other as they wait for food. All of them on their respective tablet devices.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve ever heard, anon? For me, it was a mother talking about how brilliant her 2-year-old was because he could figure out how to navigate a tablet device.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve ever endured, anon? For me, it was watching America lock children in cages. Not on the border, but in their own homes, because the left-wing lunatic satanists decided they could get power by closing the schools and keeping them closed and the old ate the young again. Like Medea, but for our whole country.

The Zoomers, man. Poor kids. Raised in an entirely artificial world. Raised by worse than wolves. Raised by phones.

Taught not about the birds and the bees. Exposed to internet porn at … probably … 9 years old.

They have seen it all. But they have not lived.

No wonder, then, that they could have been made — by witches — to believe the most outlandish lies.

Have you ever seen a witch? I have, maybe. One, for example, is Randi Weingarten. She is the head of the American Federation of Teachers.

She — allegedly, but to anyone with eyes to see quite obviously — pushed to keep schools closed. And then promoted and defended porn in school libraries. And many other terrible and evil things besides.

In “Monty Python,” a befuddled wise man makes a decision regarding how to deal with a witch.

Have you ever drunk from the Holy Grail? Do you want the key to eternal youth?

Have you raised a Zoomer? Do you want your kids to be all right? It is terribly hard. It is trivially easy. First step: Find your inner child. Do something you enjoyed doing as a child. And enjoy it like you were a child. Without an iPhone. Without Wi-Fi. Without any device … or artifice.

Unlock your inner child. It is not within your phone. It is within you. It is deep within you. You shall be at peace. You shall not be harmed. Of course, you shall die. Later. But it is better to have lived first.

Magellan is cooler than Justin Bieber. But Bieber is getting cooler. Now that Diddy is in jail, he could become more free.

So, too, with all children of men. So, too, with even the Zoomers.

Log off. Touch grass. Yes, it is toxic if you live in a suburb. But you have to Roundup somewhere. Fare well.