Post Medicaid Destruction: Trump Unleashes More Plans to Kill Americans Including Getting Rid of Air and Water

In his ongoing crusade to murder every last American with competence, accountability, sustainability and a functioning economy, President Donald Trump has reportedly expanded his hit list beyond just Medicaid. Yes, the Orange Menace is now targeting six other beloved American institutions as part of his totally-real-and-not-made-up plan to reduce the population, one American at a time.

According to anonymous sources within the government (what other kind of sources are there??) here are the top six things Trump is secretly plotting to destroy in order to accelerate the Great American Demise:

1. Salad Bars

Trump, a known fan of Big Macs and Diet Cokes, allegedly despises leafy greens. “He’s trying to kill people by depriving them of arugula,” said one trembling Whole Foods shopper. “If we lose our quinoa kale medley, we’ll all perish from vitamin withdrawal.” Rumor has it that the Trumpster is proposing a bill to replace all salad bars with Golden Corral chocolate fountains and bacon-only buffets. Total carnage awaits! Delicious total carnage.

2. Electric Scooters

“They promote health and green energy,” an alleged Trump advisor said off the record about electric scooters. “So they must be destroyed!!!” Trump is reportedly drafting an executive order to replace scooters with coal-powered go-karts and Diet Coke-powered scooters sponsored by the NRA.

3. No More Warning Labels

In a shocking move, Trump is said to be reviewing the Food and Drug Administration’s warning labels for all products. A source close to the situation whispered, “The president believes in natural selection. If you need a label to tell you not to eat detergent, maybe you weren’t meant to make it to 2026.”

4. Increasing Climate Change

Yes, Trump wants to mess with global warming. Apparently Trump has launched a shadow program to personally warm the planet by flying around on Air Force One as much as possible – kind of like the Democrats and the celebrities do. One climate activist tearfully claimed, “Every time Trump exhales, a polar bear drowns.”

5. Air

In his most diabolical move yet, Trump has reportedly set his sights on eliminating breathable air. “If Americans can’t breathe, they can’t vote Democrat,” theorized one MSNBC panelist between gulps of imported oat milk.

Trump’s plan allegedly includes deregulating the atmosphere, opening every aerosol can in the country, and appointing a vape influencer as head of the EPA. “He’s literally trying to kill us with air pollution,” sobbed a climate activist while fanning themselves with a Greta Thunberg biography.

6. Water

Not content with destroying the lungs of every American, Trump has also been accused of waging

war on water itself. “He wants to privatize rain,” screamed a panicked Vox article, citing unnamed droplets. Trump reportedly wants to replace water fountains with Diet Coke dispensers and install gold-plated faucets that only work when you say “MAGA.”

California officials claim that Trump is personally responsible for their drought, while conspiracy theorists say he bathed in Lake Superior just to spite the Great Lakes. When asked, Trump simply smirked and said, “I like my water the way I like my elections – clean, but not too clean.”

After being briefed on Trump’s plans to kill Americans, Democrats have responded with immediate calls for impeachment, sanctions, and lawsuits. Brooklyn Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez warned, “This is not a joke. He is literally genociding us by following the laws and the Constitution and making sure we don’t have to wear masks anymore. Wake up, America.”

Meanwhile, Trump posted on Truth Social, “I only destroy bad things. Like CNN, the deep state, and Hunter’s art career. You’re welcome.”

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