NEW YORK, NY — Democratic Party strategists were thrilled this week after they stumbled upon an innovative new strategy of winning elections by promising free stuff to stupid people.
According to Democratic mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani, the bold new strategy of showing idiots with promises of free stuff could be “a total game-changer” for the party.
“Hear me out, guys — what if we just tried promising uninformed, ignorant people that we’ll give them free stuff if they vote for us?” Mandami reportedly asked at a campaign brainstorming meeting. “Why haven’t we tried this before? Come on, people. Get your stuff together and let’s start overpromising free handouts to all the morons out there — we’ll win in a landslide!”
High-level Democrats said that the new campaigning strategy just might end up changing the party’s entire approach to politics.
“This is really fantastic stuff,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “Free stuff for stupid people’s votes? What a breakthrough! All we have to do is lie about how much stuff we can give away, and those horrible Republicans will never hold office again.”
Sources close to the GOP say that Republicans were scrambling to find a suitable response to the new threat.
“We need a plan,” Senate Majority Leader John Thune urged his fellow Republicans. “Could we just have Nancy Mace release more inappropriate pictures of herself? Let’s get some ideas rolling — midterms are coming up.”
At publishing time, Democrats had reportedly discovered a second innovative solution of shipping in millions of illegal immigrants to increase their voter turnout.
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