In a shocking but somehow completely on-brand press conference on Friday, President Donald J. Trump unveiled a new “America First (and Medium-Sized)” immigration plan that would immediately deport several “suspiciously large and questionably legal” residents from U.S. soil.
“They’re just too big, folks,” the president remarked. “We need room for normal-sized Americans.” Apparently, the planet has been spinning too fast from the weight of all of the interlopers being in the United States and not in their own countries. But even though they’re heavy in size, the president says they’re not exactly pulling their own weight.
“Let’s be honest,” Trump began. “Bigfoot? Never paid taxes. Never even applied for a permit to exist. He’s lurking around national parks like he owns the place. Total squatter.”
Next on the list: Big Bird, who Trump claims has overstayed his visa since the Nixon administration. “I mean, the guy lives on public television,” Trump said. “That’s basically welfare for Muppets. And what is he teaching kids? The alphabet? Please. I invented most of the letters anyway, especially the M-A-G and the A again. The A is a very BIGLY great letter because it stands for both ‘America’ and ‘Again.’”
Trump continued, “The bird is eight feet tall, yellow one day and blue the next. Nobody vetted that?! Frankly, he could be from anywhere. I’ve seen birds like that in China and North Korea, maybe even worse. Total flight risk, folks. Total.”
Also facing immediate deportation: Biggie Smalls, who Trump insists is still alive somewhere and probably hiding out with Tupac, possibly working for MSNBC. Critics pointed out that Biggie Smalls has been dead since 1997, to which Trump replied, “That’s what the Deep State wants you to think.”
Joining the exodus is The Big Bad Wolf, cited by Trump for targeted attacks on small businesses and straw houses – and for being part of Antifa. Trump promised to personally supervise his removal. “We’re huffing, puffing, and blowing him straight back to whatever he came from,” Trump promised.
Rounding out the Fab Five of the forcefully evicted is Big Mouth Billy Bass – the wall-mounted singing fish. Trump calls him “an aquatic menace spreading annoying songs and possibly Chinese spyware in every Bass Pro Shop, dentist office, and uncle’s garage from the White House to Mar-a- Lago.”
In closing, Trump told the world, “We’re doing something no other administration had the guts to do. We’re making America normal-sized again. No more big folks. Just BIG deportations!”
At press time, Big Bird, still dyed blue from his Harris campaign support, was seen boarding a flight to Canada, mumbling, “If I’d kept my yellow feathers and bought a MAGA hat, I’d probably be Secretary of Birds right now.”
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Author: Liberty Paige
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