In a move that has every European diplomat choking on their coffee, President Donald J. Trump brokered the “world’s fastest peace deal” between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy today after meeting with the two warmongers. The summit ended in record time after Trump demanded five key concessions – each more bizarre than the last – but somehow he still managed to seal the deal.
1. Putin Has to Stop Taking Shirtless Selfies
Trump declared it a national security threat. “Look, nobody wants to see that – believe me. I’ve got better abs, everybody knows it but I don’t put them on display. Putin just needs to stop it. No more bare-chested horse riding.” Sources say Putin reluctantly agreed but demanded Photoshop rights for all Kremlin press releases.
2. Zelenskyy Must Retire His Green T-Shirt
Ugh…After three years of looking like he wandered in from a military clearance rack, Trump told Zelenskyy to “dress like a winner.” Trump personally offered him a line of custom red power ties guaranteed to get more respect than his normal pajamas do. Zelenskyy nodded solemnly.
3. Russia Will Hand Over One McDonald’s Per Month to Ukraine
In what Trump branded “McDonald’s diplomacy,” Putin agreed to hand over one brand new McDonald’s franchise to Ukraine every month until the war tab is settled. Trump called it “the only currency everyone actually respects.” The restaurants will be considered neutral zones where the fiercest battles involve the ice cream machine breaking down again.
4. Ukraine Agrees to Name Its First Post-War Resort Town ‘Trumpograd’
“It’s going to be tremendous, the BEST beaches, the classiest hotels, everyone’s saying so,” Trump announced. Reports say Zelenskyy sighed deeply before agreeing, muttering, “At least it’s not Mar-a- Kyiv.”
5. Putin Must Endorse Trump’s Golf Game
In what may be the most humiliating concession of his life, Putin agreed to a statement declaring Trump “probably the greatest golfer to ever live.” Trump beamed: “Jack Nicklaus? Nice guy, but not even close.”
Diplomats worldwide are baffled (but impressed) at the concessions that Trump was able to get. Trump called it “the best deal in history – better than the Louisiana Purchase, better than Black Friday at Best Buy.”
The post Putin and Zelenskyy Blink: Trump Strong-Arms Peace Deal with Five Concessions Only He Could Negotiate appeared first on Steve Gruber.
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Author: Liberty Paige
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