As wildfire smoke continues to drift across the northern U.S. like a smoggy love letter from Canada, Americans are beginning to realize this isn’t the first questionable export from the land of maple syrup and Poutine.
Here are four other things we’ve received from our friendly neighbor to the north that we didn’t ask for – and definitely didn’t need.
1. Justin Bieber
Once a mop-haired YouTube star, now a walking existential crisis in skinny jeans, Bieber was one of Canada’s first musical missile strikes on America. And he’s been a real bomb.
2. Canadian Bacon: The Meat That Lied
It’s not bacon. It’s circular ham with an identity crisis. Real bacon is crispy and proud. Canadian bacon is just a soggy breakfast meat that shows up on pizzas uninvited.
3. The Metric System
Trying to figure out temperatures in Celsius or how far a kilometer is on foot? Thanks to Canada’s metric obsession, Americans need a calculator just to understand weather reports from Windsor. “It’s 27 degrees out,” they say, while we’re out here wondering if we need a parka or a tank top.
4. Seth Rogen’s Entire Career
At first, Seth Rogen was kind of funny in a “ha ha, he’s high again” way. But two decades later, he’s still playing the same scruffy guy who accidentally burns down a building while trying to microwave pizza rolls. From Pineapple Express to Sausage Party, Rogen’s filmography is like a long, slow descent into cinematic munchies. And now he’s designing overpriced pottery and yelling on X. Thanks, Canada. We’d like to unsubscribe.
The bottom line.
While Canada has given us a few gems – like Ryan Reynolds, ketchup chips, and the concept of not yelling in public – we are politely declining further deliveries of smoky air, sad pop stars, and Seth Rogen’s latest movie. Next time Canada wants to ship us something, maybe make it fresh air, free healthcare, or at least a heads-up before Bieber drops another album. Until then, we’ll keep the border open – but only for the moose.
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Author: Liberty Paige
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