Governor Whitmer Celebrates “Major Win” as $6 Billion Chip Investment Yields One Family-Size Bag of Cool Ranch Doritos

After months of suspense, Michigan Democratic Governor Gretchen Whitmer unveiled the results of Michigan’s ambitious $6 billion bid to land a state-of-the-art semiconductor factory: a single, slightly crumpled family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Yes, Gov. Whitmer initially wanted semiconductor chips but ultimately had to settle for Doritos. However, she was not at all sad about this development as she has been seen lovingly clenching a Doritos bag in the past.

Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer feeds a left-wing podcaster a Dorito as if it’s the Eucharist while wearing a Kamala/Walz hat.

But word on the street is that JD Vance is weird and that MAGA is a cultpic.twitter.com/zgvq5sZntZ

— Greg Price (@greg_price11) October 10, 2024

“This is a win for Michigan families, ranch lovers, and bold flavor fans,” Whitmer declared while posing next to the snack bag on a ribbon-draped folding table outside the Capitol. “People said chips were the future – and look! We got chips!”

The historic deal came after Michigan offered more than $6 billion in tax incentives and subsidies to lure advanced microchip manufacturers to the state. But somewhere in the application process, sources say a junior economic development staffer Googled “chip companies” and landed on Frito-Lay instead of Intel.

“It could happen to anyone,” said MEDC spokesman Chet Remington, wiping Cool Ranch dust off a Michigan Economic Development Corporation PowerPoint presentation.

While other states have landed semiconductor plants and tens of thousands of jobs, Michigan officials insist their deal has “just as much crunch.” The Doritos bag reportedly came with a handwritten coupon for a free slushie at Speedway and a promise that “maybe more chips will follow if you play your cards right.”

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