Shocking news has emerged from the Middle East where Israeli and Hamas forces have been in the throes of a sectarian war which began on Oct. 7th, 2024, B.C.E., when a young man named Esau took issue with his half-brother Jakob eating some of his goat porridge.
This act of aggression has led to nearly four thousand years of bad blood between the two culminating in the most recent bloodshed seeing nearly thirty thousand dead Semites and semi-Semites in the Holy Land and surrounding areas. Luckily the members of the Lebanon City Council and Diversity, Equity and Inclusion committees banded together to let these centuries old enemies know that they have had quite enough.
“Knock it off” began the five page letter to the combatants. Several strongly worded words later, the sentiment was reiterated – “Stop it.” This unusually laconic phrase in the otherwise verbose letter seemed to be almost what was needed to get the two sides to come to their senses, however it was the carefully worded “Quit being silly” that was crafted by current council member David Wilkie that was the straw that broke the camel’s back (Editors note: we apologize to anyone who is offended by camel references).
After sending copies of the re-resolution by carrier pigeon to the Middle East leaders from both sides issued a joint statement thanking the council for straight-talking some sense into the historic belligerents. Signed by both the Israeli Minister of Defense and the Head of Hamas Terror, the letter read in part:
“We have agreed to do as you suggested and sit down and talk out our differences. We humbly apologize to the people of Lebanon, NH for any inconvenience we have caused you and publicly pledge to honor diversity, equity, and inclusion,” after which they held hands while lighting a menorah, raised a pride flag over the capitol of Gaza and then started a Go Fund Me for displaced members of the Middle East Trans-community.
In an act of solidarity singers Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Pink, Lizzo and Madonna agreed to hold a fundraising concert to honor women’s rights in Gaza, yet have agreed to wear burkahs out of respect to the austere Muslim culture among Gazans.
“Who doesn’t like to jam to these broads, am I right?” asked local Imam Mohammed Al-Bin Al-Bin-Binny before reminding those standing in line for tickets that it’s not halal to buy tickets during Ramadan. The undernourished and emaciated faithful would have to wait until after sundown before spending what little they have left on seeing these Western icons.
Also moved by the bold stance taken by the Lebanon City Council the Biden Administration has agreed to stop quietly sending weekly shipments of armaments to Israel, while stakeholders at Lockheed Martin, Boeing, General Dynamics, Halliburton and McDonnell-Douglas pledge to donate this year’s dividend checks to end Climate Change in the Middle East.
Local residents were asked to comment on this council’s re-resolution. One business owner preferred to remain anonymous but said, “I know the crime rate in the area and the roads in town look like they belong in Lebanon, you know, the country, but it’s a small price to pay for peace in the Middle East.”
Shalom to your mother.
The post Bananas: Israel & Hamas Agree to Cease-fire Thanks to Lebanon appeared first on Granite Grok.
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Author: Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)
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