Because Hollywood is nothing more than the used nubbin in the Crayon box of creativity these days, they’ve decided that it wasn’t enough to utterly destroy Willy Wonka, but now they are going after the cinematic masterpiece that is “Roadhouse.”
Oh yes, dear reader. I said it. MASTERPIECE.
Because it is.
Yes, my children say it’s a movie about mullets, tight jeans, and roundhouse kicks, and they’re almost right, and will some day be when they are as smart as me. The original “Roadhouse” starred mulleted icon Patrick Swayze who made classical dance training look manly; probably real-life cowboy Sam Elliot; and the lovely Kelly Lynch, whose husband Bill Murray trolls whenever the movie is broadcast on TV:
By the way, speaking of Bill Murray, every time Road House is on and he or one of his idiot brothers are watching TV—and they’re always watching TV—one of them calls my husband and says [In a reasonable approximation of Carl Spackler], “Kelly’s having sex with Patrick Swayze right now. They’re doing it. He’s throwing her against the rocks.” [Away from the receiver.] What? Oh, my God. Mitch was just walking out the door to the set, and he said that Bill once called him from Russia.
The remake stars original babygirl Jake Gyllenhaal as the iconic Dalton and hands to sky, this is the actual synopsis:
Ex-UFC fighter Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) takes a job as a bouncer at a Florida Keys roadhouse, only to discover that this paradise is not all it seems.
I’m sorry, what? They’ve turned Dalton into a Florida man, far from the original Jasper, Missouri setting. This matters because I’m a native Missourian, so it matters.
Somehow, somehow they got Conor McGregor involved to play himself a guy named “Knox.”
I read one review of the movie from some aspiring babygirl who enjoyed it but didn’t know who Conor McGregor was and thought that the actual fighter was the worst part of the film, which tells me all I need to know. Kill us all now:
It’s too much, not because of the violence itself but because of who is behind it. If Liman had actually cast the guy McGregor mimics, Jason Statham, Road House would have been a near-perfect B-movie. But McGregor leaves a dark cloud in his wake, and in fight sequences where the audience should be whooping and hollering, we just recoil and look away.
The movie that is literally about beating ass in a honky tonk is violent, gosh gee, who would have thought? Were they even aware of the original movie?
The movie is directed by the dude who did “The Bourne Identity” and “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” which means absolutely nothing to me because Patrick Swayze is dead and this scene on being nice, my mantra for life, will never be recreated:
Apparently a ton of CGI is used in the fight scenes because it’s the ‘20s and pretty boys don’t get hit or do stunts. There are some other people in this movie, too. I don’t care.
Swayze and Gyllenhaal knew each other from “Donnie Darko,” but that also means nothing. NO ONE ELSE PLAYS DALTON. It’s an insult to 80s iconography to remake this movie.
Whenever I so much as see this title on a television I will choose it. If it’s on AMC, it stays. If I see it while scrolling past something on NetflixAmazonHuluwhateverbbq then it’s going on the TV. The only other movie I will do this with is the best movie ever made, a humble film called “The Godfather.” It’s just that good. In “Roadhouse” the bad guys are bad, the good guys are pretty good, Swayze’s hair is flawless, Lynch’s hair is flawless, Sam Elliot is the friend we all want in our lives, and the bad guys never reconcile with the good guys because sometimes? Sometimes people are just jerks and it’s best they stay on the ground where you roundhouse kicked them.
There is a creativity drought in Hollywood. Nothing can be original. Everything is a remake. All of our childhood memories ruined. Some things should never be touched.
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Author: Dana Loesch
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